Uh

I just realized I clsoed my last two blogs the same way.

Completely accidental, no joke.

I just thought it was funny.

:P

New leaf, new tree, new forest

I'm DOOOOOONE with nonsensical stress and worry! Oh joy, oh boy, oh my, this will be a great summer and I will make it that way despite what you might have to say about it.

I will get a job.

I will EXPLORE places I've never been to on foot before.

I will somehow brave that damned trestle because I think it'd be awesome to go onto it.

...

Wait, is it still in use? I'll figure that one out.

Anyways, blogger.com is confusing. Apparently I cannot follow anymore blogs or something. Strange, strange, strange.

My room is clean. I got a 97 on a Spanish Regents, and did just DANDY on my others.

No summer project (booyah), and I get to look forward to a summer dedicated entirely to happiness.

Happiness, let's define that quick.

Dictionary.com says:

–noun
1.
the quality or state of being happy.
2.
good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Yes, I suppose that will work out just fine. You know what song is great? Audience of One by Rise Against, I was listening to it and it just made me happy, although it's a sad-ish song?

A lot of depressing music amuses me, actually. For example...Every song by Jeff Buckley? (R.I.P.)

Anyways, I'll blog more this summer, without a doubt, because I'll try to make important crap happen in my life by involving myself with the world and getting off of this computer.

Gooooooodbye.

Take a picture, and write a letter to my love.

So I'm kinda sick. My stomach has been bothering me today and I've been sort of ignoring it and just mowed my entire lawn. As stupid of an idea as that sounds, it seems to have helped. It doesn't hurt so much as it used to.

Today I'm thinking of plans for my summer.

Vermont, Vermont, Vermont, Vermont.

Anything else?

I have to think.

I wish Halloween fell on several different days of the year. I miss the cellars and dressing up and the Headless Horseman and Jack o Lanterns and oh gosh I'm babbling.

I'll try and get Max to get lost in the woods with me again. We always do that several times a year and I believe there is no hunting season at the moment.

It's really gorgeous, actually, because it's fairly uphill behidn my house into the woods. By the time you reach the fields you can see the entire valley. I'll be sure to take pictures next time I'm up there.

Anyways, I'm starving so I'm going to go eat.

Goooooooodbye.

All of my dreams and my passions are in Your hands.

I don't really feel like sitting around anymore.

I'm reaching my junior year of high school, meaning my childhood is soon to be over.

So I've been attempting to involve myself in anythign and everything. I have a gym membership, I've begun going to Church, I'm hanging out with friends more.

I'm trying to enjoy myself with the two years I have left here.

It's a bit depressing, but everything changes.

I'm hoping for a lot of things to happen before I graduate.

I'd like to work at the Sinister Cellars for both years I have left here.
I want to bring Max on a cross country road trip and explore things I've never seen before.
I want to have a good long term relationship with a girl, and have it hurt like hell when we have to split up when one of us has to go.
And I want to keep myself looking up towards the stars at night, drawing my dreams in them and hoping I can lasso my way up to them one day.

Don't let days slip by without doing something you can look back and remember on.

One Year Today

Turn things back a year, what were you doing?

Me?

I was taking a girl out to a movie (Her father attended, but that's aside the point) and we began dating.

The only people who will ever read this blog already know about her and everything that happened, though somehow I doubt this is even ever read.

I guess it's just a strange feeling, looking back and thinking of how much we spoke about wanting to last so long together and having it end in eight short months. It makes you wonder how you would have spent days like today.

I hope for her happiness all the time, and I think for the most part, she is really happy. And that's comforting.

I realize that everything really is over. That she isn't coming back, and I'll never have moments like that back again. But that's okay.

My feelings for her probably will not change for a while still, but once again, that's okay.

Sometimes what you want isn't always the best thing, right?

"There's nothing in motion, and I'm satisfied."

Sometimes I wonder if San Diego would be a good idea.

I'd miss everyone so much, but what kinds of opportunities would wait in California? Of course, all that may not be happening, it's just a possibility.

I suppose all of this roots down to what I want and need. I broke down last night, for the first time in years. I don't think I've cried like that since my uncle passed away, and I needed it so badly. I'm glad I was able to let it out, but it makes me question how happy I am in my current situation, what I should change, keep the same, etc.

I feel like a chameleon sometimes.

I went through my memory box last night, I think that's what started all of that. I enjoy nostalgia too much, I have yet to realize how bittersweet it really is.

I wouldn't have these memories in San Diego.

Five

Inspiration seems to come from the most random things for me. I could be talking to someone and out of nowhere I'll formulate a plot for a story out of the conversation. I think it's pretty cool, especially since I like the story I have in mind. Though, it's a bit tragic. It might upset me to write it, but I still like what's going to happen.

Maybe I'll post some snippets here after I finish the first draft, but it won't be very much. I wanna start small, make it a short story first, then a novella, then maybe a novel, if I can make it long enough. I'd rather not overwhelm myself.

I've also gotten more into reading again. It took a while, but I found a bunch of literature I actually enjoy, especially Stephen King. I began a book of his titled, "On Writing, a Memoir of the Craft" where he explains his techniques to developing a story. It's helped me out a lot, and his fiction is marvelous too.

Well, I think that's about it for now.

Four

I miss you. Even though I have you, I miss you, and I hope that doesn't freak you out. You're wonderful, beautiful inside and out, and I hope you get to read this. Things are changing for us, and I'm sure that in the end part it'll make us both happier than ever. That's all I want, I just want you to be happy.

I'm sorry for being paranoid throughout everything, for overanalyzing every detail, I never learned to completely relax, but now I have, and I'm more than ready to.

I understand that maybe we won't be forever, but until that is proven I'd like to pretend. I'm not going to focus so much on the future, just hope that we're together when I wake up in the morning.

I want to put my attention into here, now. Right here, right now, I love you, more than you know. And right here, right now, I hope you feel like you love me too. That's the gyst of what I want now, I want to make sure you know I love you.

This all sounds silly, I know, but you make me silly. I'm comfortable with you, you put me at peace and every moment I spend with you I know I'll always cherish.

Three

My New Year's resolution is to free myself, to not let any person or event get in the way of me acheiving what I think is truly right.

I think a part of me has been constrained because I'm too afraid to lose dignity in one's eyes, but if they are unable to feel okay with me being the way I really am, so be it.

I want to be able to fly in my own body without worry of hitting the wall, dragging too low, suffocating too high.

I want to be able to breathe love, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I'll explain it. Everybody gets those moments where they find everything to be just right. they can be with the people they love and do the things they like in the environment of their choice. You usually get that one deep, incredible sigh that just electricutes your chest with ecstasy.

I want every lungful of air I take in to be atleast a fraction of that.

Overall, I want to live as me.

Two

2008 was fun.

It started with my family and Pirates of the Caribbean. It's sort of a tradition in my house to watch one of the three movies on New Year's Eve. We finished the movie and watched the ball drop, sparkling cider and champagne in everybody's hands.

Soon after, I began to see a girl. It was alright at first, but she seemed slightly controlling. A couple of months in, we broke up. Not a huge deal, there wasn't an incredible deal of attachment and I was able to move on as well as her.

I recall April as being a month of total self discovery. I discovered that I enjoy taking long walks early in the morning, I discovered that I can get sick to my stomach incredibly easily if I do not watch what I eat or do, and I discovered that it's very easy to fall for your best friend, but more on that later.

Emily invited me to go to this great big aquarium in Connecticut with her. It was a three hour drive, so we'd have to head out early. I remember getting up on time, showering, and getting my hair perfect (It was short and hard for me to manage at the point) and heading out on time when I suddenly felt a painful rumble in my stomach. I bit down on my lip and ignored it and just waited for Emily to arrive.

She came within a few minutes and I met her mother and two sisters, one being an infant. I was careful not to wake the baby girl when I stepped into the vehicle and we drove off.

Within about ten minutes, I was looking at the floor and Emily was telling me I was pale. Another five minutes passed, and I politely requested that Emily's mother pull over so that I may use the rest room. I got inside a gas station and rushed towards the toilet, but I didn't get sick, I justs ort of hung there for a minute, feeling absolutely nauseous and horrible for the fact that I knew Emily's mother would have to drive me home. I recall thinking of how bad it would have been had I gotten sick an hour or two into the trip, so I bought a coke and went back to the van, apologizing and requesting a return trip.

Emily's mother was very sweet about it, and by the time I got home I actually got sick. It was pure luck that I hadn't in the car, but I managed to keep my stomach in place long enough to not lose it in front of my new friends, Emily, or the baby.

I still wish I hadn't been sick that day. I think that maybe what I was looking forward to the most was that perhaps Emily would lean into me if she were to fall asleep on the ride back or forth. Oh well.

May was a lot of fun. I remember Emily's mom speaking to me about taking me along to the art show at the high school. She wanted to surprise Emily with the fact that she'd been accepted into the show. I agreed, and the day of the show I took Emily into town so that we could later go to the high school. She already knew what was going on, but was too polite to say anything at the time, so we hung out for the day.

Within an hour, my best friend Max drove into town to hang out with us. It was a lot of fun, we stood around under the outdoor roof of the buildings in front of Stop 'n Shop while it lightly rained, and we just had so many laughs. I miss that day. It was the same day Max broke my Slinky, which I have a picture of. He tried to enter it into the art show, and they almost accepted him, saying what he had there was a very creative piece.

The art show was fun, we met up with Emily's family and looked around at all the pieces for a while. It ended, and we asked Emily's mother if we could stay around the school for a while as long as Max's mom could drive us home. She agreed, and the next couple of hours were the best part of the day.

Max and I were urban ninjas for a while and spun around on trash cans and ran around being idiots while Emily watched. We finally got tired and we all laid down on the metal grate in front of the school for a while, looking up into the sky.

Eventually, Max's mom picked us all up and she drove Emily home first. On the way to her house I held her hand, and geez were they freezing. I tried to warm them up, and I think it was then that I realized that I really wanted to be with her.

A few days later, Emily and I were talking on the computer and she told me she liked somebody new. Of course, the first thing that popped into my head was, "Oh, it could be me!", but I didn't say that. Instead, I guessed up every possible person that it could and couldn't be, each being denied. Finally, she changed the subject and asked who I liked now, and we played the same game. She didn't get it either, but I had a feeling that she was looking for the same answer that I was.

Finally, I straight up asked her, and to my disappointment, she said no, but not until after she forced me to send her a Myspace message concerning who I liked. She checked it before I had the chance to delete it, and then confessed that I really was the one she liked.

A couple days later we hung out at Max's house and watched a couple of movies, as well as That 70's Show. I was basically trying to build up the courage within me to just kiss the girl, and when I had the most opportune moment, I didn't take it, so I prayed that I'd get another. Which I did.

It was a great kiss, but even though I enjoyed it, I still asked, "Was that okay?" afterwards. She said yes. I think she liked it too.

So we set up a date. Kind of. Her father took us to go see Iron Man. He was a nice guy, better than I expected. While we were in the arcade, I was attempting to win her a stuffed animal through one of those 50 cent machines. I didn't get it, I'm horrible at them.

But while I was playing with her on the machine, I looked at her and asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend. After a moment, she smiled and said yes. I was happy as a damned clam. Oh, and the movie was good too, especially considering that I got to hold her hand throughout.

Later that month, I went camping for the first time in a year. I was excited, we had a huge new trailer and a permanent site in this campground in Vermont. It was fun, and I got to meet two new friends. Bethany and Michael's family had been going to the same campground as my family for the same amount of time as my family, which was several decades. I was surprised that I hadn't met the two of them before.

They were pleasant, though Bethany was pretty quiet at first. Mike and I got along really well, and later in the night, Bethany got more social. It was nice, but I only had another day left in the campground, so it wasn't a whole lot of time to hang out.

The next day, I said goodbye to the two and we talked about gettign in contact with eachother via the internet, which is what happened. Because of the magic of computers, we stayed friends and even got to hang out again over the summer.

Our class trip was to Six Flags. There isn't much to say about it except that Me and Max were being absolutely obnoxious to everybody else on the bus and that I actually went on a few roller coasters. Lots and lots of fun, I'd love to go back.

June was great. School was ending, me and Emily were still dating, and summer was drawing near. There's only one day in specific that sticks out to me. Emily and I had walked around the horse track by her house and sat down by the bushes near the swamp. We were just sort of laying down in the sun when I looked over at her, my heart caught way up in my throat.

"Hey Emily, guess what?" I remember saying.

She looked at me. "What?"

I choked up, and came up with something new to say almost immediately. "There's a bug on your shoulder." Thankfully, there really was a bug on her shoulder, so I got it off for her. She turned back towards the sky, and I cursed myself in my mind for not saying what I wanted to say.

"Hey Emily, guess what?" I tried again.

"What?" she asked, turning around again with a smile.

"I think I love you," I recall saying. Then there was a pause that seemed to last for quite a while, but it probably didn't,

"Really?" she asked, grinning. I nodded. "I think I love you too." She told me.

God, was that a relief.

July was also fun, but hell, was it hot. I met a lot of new people in July. Ana, Jill, Holly, Charlie, among others were all at a pool party that Emily was attending, and she soon realized that the house she was at was very close to mine, so they came and picked me up. I remember not having a swimsuit that day, but my shorts worked just fine, and I had fun meeting everybody. Pictures were taken that day, but I never got to see them. I've always wondered what happened to them.

August was a bit sad. It was the end of summer, my last camping trips were taking place, and the weather was cooling down faster than I wanted. I went to the Battenkill with Max and we met up with some family. We biked around a bit too much and ate really well. My dad was especially careful not to kill Max with what he was cooking. This was the second time I met up with Bethany and Mike, and we all spent a night hanging out late together, mostly playing Duck Duck Goose as loudly as possible in the middle of the field and jumping off the swings. It was a great night.

I remember looking out for the bats with Max on the last night, but there was some sort of disease that killed off a whole bunch of bats this year so there weren't many to be found. It was still fun, seeing as there were enough to entertain us.

Danny moved out to go to Albany and Jason took his room. The house was starting to empty out a bit.

September came soon and school started. By some luck I managed to get a bunch of really great teachers and managed to do fairly well in my classes. I didn't do much besides Masque and Mime and school. I managed to land a lead role in the children's musical. I was Geppetto in Pinocchio, and I felt somewhat accomplished in obtaining a recognizable character.

I'm not sure if it was in September or October that I went to see Emily's dance rehearsal, so I'm going to put it between those two months. She did a wonderful job and so did her sister and the whole show was very entertaining.

October was absolutely amazing, by far my favorite month of the year. Early on there was a talent show that Emily, Jill, and I went to. It was pretty funny, because they couldn't get te mics to work for about an hour so Dylan, Pierce, and Greg all performed acoustic stuff for us while we waited. The show itself was great too.

I think of the whole month, my absolute favorite day was the day Emily and I went to go see the Headless Horseman Hayride with her father. The trip up almost proved a disaster, as we nearly missed our show, but we made it. She held close to me, and I must say, I loved it. Many of the monsters went after us, especially the guys with chainsaws. There was also a magic/stunt show that was absolutely amazing to watch. Overall, I loved the whole day.

Later in the month was the musical. We did three performances, and lots of peopel showed up. I think that everybody did a great job and I'm sure glad that I didn't screw up. I miss the hectic rehearsals of Hell Week and seeing everybody, so the next chance I get to be in Masque and Mime, I definitely will.

Then there was the Sinister Cellars, one of the finer points of the month. Down in the basement of the winery, I often donned the role of the virgin sacrificer, along with my friend Matt. The whole show went eally well, and I got to spend a lot of time with great friends, as well as my girlfriend.

Halloween was cool, I went trick or treating with Max and my brother. I was Batman, dressed in an obnoxious costume with fake muscles. Jason was some sort of creepy skeletor thing, and Max was a...Master Baker. Say it out loud, you'll understand it.

Point is, Trick or Treating was a success, I got plenty of candy, and later headed out to the cellars to do some real scaring.

The only negative of the month was my grandmother being transferred into a nursing home after receiving surgery. I'm not sure when it happened, but we began visiting her and still do as often as possible.

November 1st was great, there was a party at Jill's house and Emily and I got to spend a lot of time together. I came early to help with decorations, though we didn't do very much. We ended up watching The Lost Boys instead of actually getting work done. I tried to dress nice, and my hair looked alright, so things went well. I can recall everybody wearing my mask to scare the living hell out of people who didn't know anybody was there.

November 10th was my six months with Emily. I know it's a bit corny to celebrate six months, but I wanted to anyways. She came to my house and we went for a walk almost right away. We ended up sitting at the shore of the lake and watching the sun set. Once the moon could be seen on the water, I took out her gift. After about fifteen minutes, I got her to open it, and it was a necklace with her birthstone on it, as well as note for her. She still wears the necklace every once in a while, and when she does I smile, thinking back on that day.

The rest of November is a bit foggy to me, and right now I can't think of anything else major, besides the fact that Max and I were playing Diablo non-stop, so I'll move on to December, which is clear as a bell.

Me and Em weren't hanging out so much anymore. She had and still has a lot on her shoulders, and needed more time with close friends and family than with a boyfriend. I'll never blame her for that.

My birthday was alright. I got everything I wanted and Max and Emily came over. We ate pizza, watched a movie and saw Santa. Overall pretty good day, but I had this feeling I couldn't shake.

The next couple of weeks only made it worse, and I guess a lot of it was paranoia while a lot of it was really happening.

Danny came home for a month, and is still here, so that's fun. I'm getting to spend some time with him before he heads back to Albany.

Christmas was a lot of fun, I took as much time as humanly possible opening up my presents, trying on any new clothes that I got as soon as I opened the package. Eventually, it was over and the rest of the day was left to be enjoyed. We visited my grandmother and she was clear as a bell. It was a great day.

December 26th was what I would call a bad day. We saw my grandmother again, and she was out of it. I won't go into detail on a blog, but she just wasn't there that day. Then I got home and I knew I had to make a call to Emily. I knew something was up and I wanted to straight up ask her about it.

She wanted to break up. I was obviously upset, but more than anything I wanted her happiness, so I sucked it up as best as I could and the conversation soon ended.

The next three days, I was practically frantic. I ran around the house, a mopy look plastered on my face, doing anything I can to just occupy myself, whether it be complaining to my friends about how much I missed Emily or just landing headshots in a video game to distract myself. They were a pretty sucky three days.

Then it was December 29th. Emily called, and at first I was afraid she was mad at me, but she sounded absolutely excited. It took me a good twenty minutes to get her purpose of calling out of her, but she finally explained to me that she wanted to get back together. I was a clam again.

She ended the conversation by telling me she loved me, and I was absolutely relieved. She still loved me, after everything. Thank God for that.

The next couple of days were just enjoyable. I spent my time at home and watched movies with my dad at night, the dread on my face long vanished.

On New Years Eve, my little brother and I finished watching the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie and watched the ball drop, toasting large glasses of sparkling cider. I called Emily and told her happy new year and shortly after that went to bed.

I can say it was a pretty damned good year.

One

Hi. My name is Colton. Let me tell you a bit about myself.

I am currently 16 years old, and do not wish to age any further. 16 seems perfectly fine to me.

I hate wasting time, and if I've got nothing to do I usually end up running around the house trying to occupy myself.

In my spare time I rather enjoy listening to music, reading, and most of all writing. For too long have I been unable to finish a story, whether it's a short or a full length novella/novel.

Don't worry, eventually I'll get on that.

Until then, I love finding myself. There are sides to me that even I am not aware of, and I love meeting each and every one of them, even if I end up hating that part of me.

That should be all for now. I suppose you'll learn more about me as this blog progresses.